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Lovemaking. NOW. Really?

Intimacy Retreats / Motivation  / Lovemaking. NOW. Really?

Lovemaking. NOW. Really?

Ah, it’s Valentine’s Day again. Perhaps, just maybe, it’s a good time for lovemaking.

Now? Really? For many of us, sex isn’t always the passionate, knock your socks off variety that books are written about. We may deliciously devour stories that amuse and arouse us, like 50 Shades of Grey. Back in our own lives, it’s more like there are 50 other things on our plate that seem to interfere with the lustful loving we long for.

Is there anything wrong with us? No. Is it a case of missing libido? Well, maybe. With all those other things clamoring for our attention, anything could go missing. That novel we were going to write. The songs we used to sing. A matching sock. A pet. (My dog once went missing and was found on a highway in a distant city, headed back to my home. But I digress…)

How can we expect to be turned on for lovemaking, when there are children and/or elder parents to be cared for, laundry to do, work proposals to be written and presented, dogs to be walked.. you name it. Our brains are occupied with endless to-do lists. Lovemaking can seem like just one more plate to juggle.

This? Now?

If we listen to our hearts (and not our tired bodies), if we listen to the quiet inner voice that provides guidance to our true self, we might hear the answer: YES! Yes, to love. And a great way to experience love with our beloved is.. you guessed it, sex. When we entwine our bodies with another, when we touch one another in those places otherwise kept private, we are literally “making” love. As our vibrations dance together, and merge in orgasmic pleasure, love is released into the greater Universe.

And we know well that the Universe needs this love.

The decorative hearts displayed on Valentine’s Day can be reminders to rush home and embrace our beloved (if we have one.) For many, Valentine’s gifts and dinners at a favorite restaurant are rituals that celebrate our good fortune to be in a love relationship. Let’s make the most of it!

Chocolate, wine, diamonds..  these become a kind of communication in and of themselves. I love you, they say. (Now can we jump into bed?)

Ah.. Valentine’s Day. It’s not really about sex, is it?  Or at least not ONLY about sex. How about emotional connection? Everything – the gifts, the dinners, the glitter  –  these are all about honoring love and romance.

Romance? Now? (Yes. If not now, when?)

Of course, what’s romantic to one person might not be so to another. Valentine’s Day is a good time to check in with your partner – what IS romantic to you? Make a short list of specific things that turn you on, things your partner does that resonate in your heart. Ask your partner to so as well, and share your lists. (Knowing what turns you and your partner off is also valuable, but better saved for another day.)

Libido? If the love is there, if the heart is open, then perhaps sex will follow. Or perhaps not. Sometimes the leap from open heart to open body is not so easy.

A gift or chocolate or a glass of wine MIGHT be enough of an aphrodisiac, enough to call in the ancient love energy of Aphrodite (Venus). Chocolate may even promote the release of chemicals that stimulate the “love drug” molecule called PEA (phenylethylamine). Maybe, in small doses.

Still, though, there are all those to-do lists running around in the brain. It’s not at all surprising that some of us resist so hard the very thing that makes everything else worthwhile. Being touched. Loved. Pleasured.

To counter this remarkably common resistance, consider the NIKE approach: “just do it.” The BEST aphrodisiac is actually sex itself! Making a leap from the emotional to the physical expression of love can seem a daunting task. It need not be so.

Thanks to the modern adaptation of ancient “Tantric” teachings and mindfulness trainings, couples can learn to bring themselves into presence with each other. More meaningful than presents, “presence” allows us to offer our partner a conscious connection with the core of our being. Yes. This. Now.

Diana Daffner

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